Music and the Self

Musicians are frequently thought of as being ego-centric and self-absorbed. The stereotypical opera singer sums up this sentiment when we picture him singing "mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" with gusto. We may hear, "It's all about me-me-me!" The humble singer is no singer at all, or so we think. Tall posture, unwavering energy, and confident notes are surely signs that someone is "full of himself". The only way a singer can get ahead is to be hard-shelled and ruthless- competitive and not taking slack from anyone. The diva is feared by even the conductor. She can, with one look, dominate the stage and get what she wants from the musical experience- her tempo, her dynamic- she does not apologize. But the days of the diva are fading, as directors and conductors are beginning to realize that people can be talented and cooperative: everyone is happy and the music is better served. Service. It may be the last thing we think of in regards to music and performance. But it should be the first.
The act of music-making and performing is for whom? While performers may take pleasure in singing and being on stage, ultimately, if there's no audience, there's no performance. Therefore, the audience must be kept in mind at all times. It is the performer's job to give the gift of music and the audience's job to enjoy and be enriched. In this way, the singer becomes a servant- not only to the audience, but to the music. Being a servant to the music requires several things. The performer must first be comfortable enough with technique that they can, while on stage, "forget" about it- let it go. Trust that it is there and working and fueling a great performance. Their mind should become preoccupied with the meaning of the music, which demands a knowledge of text and context. Linked with this is the ability to "feel" the music- which is expressed through dynamics, phrasing, articulation- all of the things that make up great technique, but with that added "spark" that keeps it from being mechanical or robotic. If a singer allows thoughts of technique or even audience acceptance "will they like it?" take over, they are serving neither the music or the audience.

But it is not just the stereotypical "mi-mi-mi" opera singer who can fall into this trap of preoccupation. It can also be the well-meaning, yet insecure singer who may not be able to get past the technique and audience thoughts. And the very thing keeping them there is really, fear. Let us not confuse fear with humility. True humility lies not in outward appearance or perceptions- it is simply the singer's awareness of their strengths, weaknesses, motivations, and Source of their gifts. Here, I will add in a spiritual aspect, because we are all spiritual, regardless of our "religious" beliefs. For me personally, I believe the Giver of my gifts is God. He is the source and inspiration from which my talents flow. But in order to be His "instrument" and let His light truly shine forth, I have to get out of the way. The fear which hinders my "letting go" and giving myself to the music and audience also hinders His work in me. Therefore, worry is a very selfish act.

True humility flourishes when one places all confidence in the Giver of the gift. In reflecting on the goodness of God, we see both our unworthiness and our Divine worth all at once. We are fragile humans, children of God all at once. We can then go into performances with the confidence that we have a bit of the Divine within us. We are not alone, and our identity does not rest on merely being a singer or performer. With this realization, fear is banished and we realize that we do not stake our success on recognition or approval or praise from others. We no longer fear "screwing up" because we have been set free to create. It is no longer our interest we look after- so what if we make a mistake? If it's not for ourselves that we perform, then how can we be harmed by a bad performance?

We can make a mistake full-knowing that it is not the carefully guarded performance that moves people. No one was ever remembered for "getting every note right". We no longer have to tiptoe through performances and take the safe route. We have been empowered by the Divine within and can therefore aim for a higher reality: serving the audience through giving ourselves entirely to the music. And when this happens, true music is created and the Giver of the gifts is served.

Count Your Blessings

It's so easy in life to give up, be negative, and wish we could turn back time...

Yesterday, I was feeling fearful, frustrated, and frenzied as I left campus to "exercise my civic duty". When I got to the polling place, I was re-routed to a nearby elementary school that was in my precinct. Thinking I knew where it was, as I had walked by there many times before, I did not get clear directions. I became increasingly frustrated as I realized I was wasting precious study time, and that by the time I got to the polls, a long line would await me. I circled the neighborhood several times, but knew that I needed directions to get there. I called my sister, but her internet was down, so she couldn't help. I told her it was no big deal, laughed it off, and decided to try to find a convenience store and ask for directions. I restarted my car and eased out of the residential area I had been parked in. But I was too early. I put on the gas as I was closing my cell phone with my right hand. The next instant, I looked up and realized that I was on a very narrow street with a wide car and way too close to the car on the left. BOOOOOOOOOM! I just knew I had destroyed the parked car. My heart raising, I got out of my vehicle, still idling. A closeby neighbor had witnessed the incident and said "Bummer". Yes, bummer. Luckily, I had only ripped off the car's side view mirror, not demolished the door or anything. I left a note with my name and number on it secured in the mirror itself, and when I went back to my car, I had identical damage on the passenger's side. I called my sister, who convinced me to go back home, call my insurance company, and not worry about voting- Texas would carry McCain. And it did.

I could wallow in regret and anger toward myself for my carelessness and hurriedness. But instead, I look past this relatively small incident with insight into the future. Okay, so my insurance premium may go up slightly. Bummer. But this incident was a wakeup call that I have been developing unsafe driving patterns when I'm not actually on highways and busy streets. I have been feeling way too "safe" pulling out of parking lots, going down residential streets, and such. Although these situations may not demand as much concentration, they still demand focus and attention on the road. One split second is long enough for something to go awry.

So instead of looking at the inconvenience, the bad side of this, I thank God. I thank him that that side view mirror was not a child that I would not have seen until it was too late. Mirrors can be replaced, people can't. This incident may have occurred in order to remind me to slow down, pay attention, never be in a hurry. If I had continued developing poor driving patterns, my very life or others may have been in jeopardy. This incident was a gentle nudge from God to protect me from harm in the future.

I take several things from this happening. 1) I am a person who easily feels overwhelmed and becomes distracted. But I must set my emotions aside when I step into the driver's seat. I cannot drive emotionally. 2) Am I really saving time if something does happen on the road? 3) All driving, whether it is in a parking lot, on a residential street, or access road, requires my undivided attention. 4) I am blessed.

My disappointment over the driving incident was, of course, magnified with Obama's landslide victory. I do fear for our country, and I am gravely saddened by the reality that pro-life legislation may not see the light of day for at least four more years. This is truly a man with a hardened heart toward the unborn, as his voting record has shown. How can we as a nation speak about "hope and change" when we've mercilessly slaughtered at least a fourth of our nation under the protection of the federal law? It's barbarism.

But once again, I realize that God is in control. And even though I can't see or understand His plan in its entirety, I know that He will work something through this presidency in order to bring about good.