Holy Families

What does it take to be a holy family? Yesterday was the feast of the Holy Family, appropriate since it falls in the octave of Christmas. On that "cold winter's night" Mary and Joseph indeed became a family. When we look at the Trinity, we are reminded of family, as God himself is family. The love which the Father has for the Son is so strong, so powerful, that It is manifested as the Holy Spirit. In addition, God's love (Holy Spirit) for us is so unfailing, so passionate, that It took on the form of flesh in Jesus Christ. What was once invisible became visible. And isn't that how families are made? The love which is so deep and wonderful between a man and a woman becomes visible in their children.

So what does a holy family look like? Well, in today's modern society, it's little wonder that the family is on the "endangered" list. Families don't make time to be families because of lifestyle choices. And it's tough. Bills have to be paid. Often, both parents have to work. TV's become substitutes for real conversation in families, and mealtime rarely happens as a group. Individuals may pick up fastfood as they scurry off to their next activities. Are their solutions?

You feel like your household is chaotic, that people are yelling and being noisy all the time. What is going on? Your child spends their Christmas vacation in front of the TV because you need to catch up on housework and it keeps them out of your way.



Maybe your family is a victim of "keeping up with the Jones'". Your children must have every toy they ask for which the media tells them they should have. Two weeks after the b-day or Christmas, the toy is collecting dust.

* Decide what toys are useful for your children.

Do they really need ten baby dolls? three sets of trains? Choose toys that will stay with them and spark their creativity, and avoid the rest like a plague.
If they already have too many and it's out of control to organize (more work for you!), have them go through old toys they don't use anymore or have grown out of and donate them to less fortunate children.
If you invite others to your children's birthday party's, have a no gift rule, or ask that they contribute a small donation to help cover the expense of one special gift for the child.


Your child's agenda is fuller than yours. Parents often feel that their children should have every experience they were deprived of growing up: all at once! So they enroll them in swimming and dance lessons and soccer and basketball and underwater basket weaving. And mom wonders why she spends all her time being a chaffeur and dinner is never on the table in time!

* Enough is enough.

Find one sport and one fine art to enroll your child in- not twenty. And if they want to give up an activity, let them. The objective is that they stay healthy and active through physical activity as well as creatively involved in an art form of some kind. Not that they be the next Picasso or "follow in their father's footsteps" of being the starting linebacker.


Dad comes home from work and doesn't want to help with the children. He lets Mom fight all the battles, administer the discipline, and care for the children. After all, who would want to? He wants peace and quiet, but the children are anything but quiet.



* Involve dad as well.

Fathers need to be more actively involved in their children's lives. Suggest that he have special time with the children while you take some time for you- take a bath, read a book, etc. As your family life becomes more peaceful (see the next few tips) he will look forward to his time with the children.



Mom is grouchy and overworked. The laundry is piling up, the dishes are stacked to the ceiling, and the dog just made another mess. Does anybody else care to help?


*Allocate housework.

Moms are generally overworked and overstressed and children are spoiled and overpriveleged. So moms and children would benefit if children would take on simple house chores earlier on. Don't wait until they're teenagers to say, "Make your bed" or "take out the trash". A child who is four years old can scrub a plate of food they've just eaten from. It will make mother's life easier, and the children will have less time to get into sibling quarrels and wander back toward the TV.

The family is loud and chaotic. The children will not settle down before bedtime, and quarrels frequently erupt between siblings. The children seem to always be fighting over something "that's mine!" or "I had it first" are some of their favorite phrases. It's all you can do to get them to bed so you can have a few minutes of peace and quiet before the chaos and rush of the next day.


*Turn the TV off. For good. No, seriously.

How much information which comes through your television is actually necessary for your well-being? Put the TV in a cabinet and close the door. Live without it for two weeks and just see if you miss it.

Now, if your family is already addicted to TV, you're going to be fighting a pretty bad withdrawal battle. But just remind them that it won't be gone forever. Be aware of your children going over to friend's houses to watch their TV. Tell them their friends can come to your house, but that you feel that you should have more family time without the TV.

Drop your cable subscription and find something else to do with the extra money. Use the TV sparingly and purposefully. Think, "I'm going to turn the TV on for the 6 o'clock news, and then it goes off." Or have a family movie night- watch one movie and discuss it afterwards. Check out family flicks! But make sure the TV does not linger, or your family will get sucked in. Your household will be more peaceful.

*Plan family prayer time.

It'll never happen unless you schedule it in. Without the TV competing for your family's energy and attention, it will be much simpler than you think. What you pray is not as important as the act of praying. Make it a positive time- don't scold or lecture if your family does not immediately respond joyfully. Start with fifteen minutes an evening after dinner and just wait- your family will start to look forward to it!

*Be good stewards.

Apart from teaching children the value of a dollar, they need to learn what to do with their dollars. Make them aware of how much they do have. Take them to food banks and shelters and put them to work. Encourage them to save their money, and then present the option of using part of it to donate to a charity.

*Have dinner every night together.

It can be done. Arrange your schedules so that you can be a family every evening. It may be tough at first, but you can find a way if you're determined enough. If every evening is impossible, make it three times a week.

So maybe you're not Martha Stewart. Or maybe you normally cook dinner, but it's just not going to happen tonight because it's been an overwhelming day. So, don't take the family to a noisy restaurant and battle traffic on the way there. Instead, order delivery or have your husband pick up food at a restaurant on his way home from work. Put it on plates (don't worry- you'll have help washing them after dinner!) and have dinner as a family. Sit down around the table. Have conversation without feeling like you have to talk over loud music or background noise. Be a family.

Families are complex because they are made up of individuals with separate interests and tastes. Find common ground through faith, and your family will flourish.

Motivation: Fear or Love?

People living in the modern world can easily fall into a trap of living in fear. I might choose to go to class because I'm afraid I'll fail if I don't. I turn in homework assignments because I fear that my grade will suffer as a result. I might fake kindness or agree with a person even when disagree because I'm afraid of offending them. I go to work because I'm afraid of losing my job and not being able to support myself. Fear. It's a strong motivator. But if our lives revolve around fear alone, we're missing half the picture. Fear causes us to live reactionary lives- our choices are based only on events thrown at us. We stop creating, inventing, thinking, pondering- and begin only existing. What is the bare minimum I must do in order to get by? This is a reaction to what is expected of us- how do I escape life unscathed, without offending, without making too much noise. This time of the semester, I find myself living in a lot of fear. I fear that if I don't pass Biology, I will fail. I fear I may not graduate. This leads to more fears of not getting a job, not being able to pay back my student loans, etc. Fear, fear, fear. To some extent, I may realize that my fears are irrational- that everything will work out just fine, but this does not keep me from being fearful.

Fear is stifling for the Christian. It chokes the spirit. It keeps one passive, a bystander in life, not a full participant. We are called to be bold- to make some noise- to stand up and speak out. I fear that if I don't pray, I will not grow spiritually. My eternal salvation may be in jeopardy because my soul could drift very far without constant dialogue with its Creator. And yet, the project that is due tomorrow seems more pressing than eternity because it's more immediate- the consequences are sooner coming. Anything that happens on this earth is more immediate than eternity- that does not mean it should have priority. The challenge as Christians is to find balance in our daily life so that everything we do, say, and think becomes a prayer rising like incense before God. It doesn't matter if our efforts seem imperfect- if we offer them with a pure heart, God will accept them. But it can't stop there. Setting aside some time every day- even if it only starts with 15 minutes a day- is invaluable in spiritual life.

"I don't have time to pray" we fall into the trap of thinking. But somehow, we all find time for every other "necessary" part of life: school, work, shopping, paying bills, etc. And modern life tempts us into thinking there is something lazy about prayer- after all, we're not really "doing" anything. But the Christian who only joins service clubs, social groups, and even bible studies may fall into the habit of doing. Even if they do these things in good faith and heart- they are still lacking. If they do not take time- make time to go directly to the Source, they will become discouraged. Their efforts will become selfishly motivated. They will easily be disheartened by the imperfections of themselves and others and begin seeking approval from those around them instead of their Maker. We must not let activity, even if it's Christian activity, keep us from quiet contemplative prayer.

One of my pet peeves is to hear, "Well, all we can do is pray." Shame! Prayer is not "all" we can do- it's the most powerful thing we can ever hope to do! We are worthless without it. All of our actions and hopes and good faith can become corrupt if we do not turn our hearts to prayer. If we would only put away our narrow-mindedness for an instant and realize the value of prayer. We cannot even begin to appreciate how powerful prayer is. For through prayer, we do not change God- he changes us- he transforms us into vessels, into instruments.

And so, this Advent, and during this time of particular stress and bustle of final exams, let us look upon prayer not as an obligation, but as a beautiful privilege and source of power, hope, strength, and renewal. Let us constantly seek God as welcoming, loving, always ready to love and forgive and hold us. He is not our faculty advisor nor is he our professor. He is not with the University Police waiting to pass out parking tickets. He is God almighty, and prayer is not just another requirement on his sacred syllabus. He yearns to speak with us through prayer, to communicate his will to us. Let us respond to him out of love, holy fear, not human fear. Amen.